My mom doesn't love me enough to apologize. There wasn't any miscommunication; my request was crystal clear, and conveyed today, several times beforehand, and also through a third party. I called her today after agonizing all week about missing acknowledgement of Mother's Day. She sounded thrilled that I called, but turned hostile the moment I mentioned the as-yet absent apology.
I don't think it's going to happen, so the only question is what I will do next; to decide what outcome matters and how I should achieve it. I'm curiously at peace. I've tried, countless times, to establish some adult bounds on our relationship, but both parties must respect the boundaries for them to work. Knowing that it can't or won't be done, I can stop trying, and just accept what is. Right now, my mother isn't willing to make concessions to have a relationship with me. It hurts, but there isn't anything I can do about her attitude. I'm not willing to tough out the pain of training her through brute force to maintain a facade of civility. So for now I will continue the radio silence and try to stop worrying about it so much. I wish...for a lot of things, but I think that letting go of impossible dreams will be the first step in facing, and eventually finding joy in my reality.
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