Off-bloom

When the car guy stops telling you, "If you were my daughter, I'd get you the new tires/air filter/brakes," and starts saying, "If it were me...," or "If you were my wife..."

It's time to give up the dreams of youth.

Murphian Morisette

In Alanis Morisette's tradition of "irony", aka the theory of life sucks; Murphy knows best; and the world hates you, it figures that I chose to wear a dress on the coldest, windiest day of the season, when I had to run a whole series of outside errands.

Drafty!!!

SNL

Has been ON, lately! (And this from someone who was never allowed to watch during the glory years, and then found it to be no big deal once I escaped to college and could make my own programming choices.)

At least the political sketches and the weekend updates. The rest, not so much, until this week with "Don Draper." The whole show, except for the extra Coldplay and missing Amy P, was cracking up funny. Such a delight and a surprise!!! And I, like the rest of the blue and purple country, can't can't get enough of the divine Ms. Fey. I doubt they can keep it up after the election, so I'll enjoy this last week all the more...

Burning down the...highway?

A work conversation last week:

(Ring ring)(thick Southern accent) Hey there, did you check the fire status out in California?

Um, no, I usually don't even check the weather before I go - why, should I?

Well, I hear that there are fires in Ventura County. That's where you're going next week, right? Maybe you should think about looking at highway closings...

Seriously? AHHHH, California is ON FIRE??!! Again??!! Why YES, I think I will check it, since I have to drive through Ventura, so thanks!

...Hmmmm, Caltrans isn't showing any road closures, and the news doesn't seem to be too excited about fires there at the moment. Looks okay!

Well, good, I just wanted to make sure you checked.

No, great, thanks for telling me! Hey, by the way, in case I do have to...drive through fire, I'm authorized to make alternative transportation arrangements, right? As in, the company will be okay if I have to choose between buying a last-minute plane ticket and burning up, right? RIGHT?

Well, sure, as long as there really is a threat. Running away from fire is okay. Detouring through Napa, not okay. Clear?

Heh, crystal - thanks for the clarification.

**************************

I'm pleased to report that, based on personal observation, some of my favorite parts of California seem to be in little danger of imminent burnage. No road closings and no obvious fire haze, though some of the smog might have been attributable to smoke blown in from the east. I wasn't really worried about personal danger, because the drive winds pretty much entirely along the coast, and I could always just drive (or jump, I suppose) into the ocean to Save Myself. I was, however, worried about personal long-drive irritation, if I had to bypass fire areas to reach my destination. Luckily, all was well, including fantastic weather, and I have nothing but nice things to say about the town of Santa Barbara (the work there, however...).

Working bliss

Walking along the beach

wearing shorts and a tank top

warm sand crinkling under my toes

breezes ruffling my hair

gently splashing in the ocean

watching the sun set over the water...

In late October.

Gotta love California!!!

Perfect timing

My flight times were arranged such that I'd beat most of the LA afternoon traffic, keeping my drive up the coast at a manageable 2-3 hours.

Naturally, we were delayed (mechanical issues - no, I don't want to travel on a 5-hour flight without working bathrooms, but I really wish we didn't have to make that choice) just enough that I exited LAX exactly at the height of rush hour.

Now, I generally love the coastal drive, but NOT:

a) for over 4 hours

b) after 6.5+ hours on the plane

c) in the dark

d) by myself

e) slightly lost

f) without reliable radio

g) or cell phone

Grrrrrrr.

Drive on

I'd thought that the gatekeeper to the parking lot at school left his post at 7:30, well after all the folks coming in for the 7:00 classes were caught. I arrived late a few weeks ago, however, and found the tollbooth empty and the bar raised. Huzzah, $4.50 saved! Well, then I wondered if the man was leaving right at 7:00. I tested this hypothesis by deliberately timing the next week's arrival slightly late and lo! No toll! Yeah!

So, last week I was a wee mite early, that is, still on time, and when I turned into the lot, the toll booth was still occupied. Instead of rationally giving in and dutifully ponying up my parking fees, I abruptly swung back around (nearly getting smooshed in the process) and peeled around the (long, several City block-lengths, with a few pesky no left turns) block again.

No toll. Smarty me! And it makes class a bit easier to take...and every bit helps!

Cankerous

I don't usually get them, so having two canker sores at the same time, one on each end of my mouth (one under my top lip, the other at the back of my mouth on the opposite side, at the base of my tongue) is making a pretty good run at ruining my week. The placement of the cankers is such that my entire mouth is off limits to sour, sweet, salty, and chewing. Which leave sucking down water through a straw for eating/drinking without pain...

Enough already

When the answer to every question ask the doctor is some gently-put and slightly bemused iteration of, "Well, that's a natural part of aging..." it's time to stop asking questions.

Almost

I almost lost it today. I took it off, thinking I was ever so clever, to wash my lunch dishes at work. The poor thing has been getting rather battered, which is ridiculous, considering I've only had it for a few months and in theory, am supposed to wear it for the rest of my life. Turns out, pearl isn't so much durable, as pretty. There's a reason why the slogan's not mother-of-pearl is forever. Anyhow, the pearl and even the gold has some small dings and scratches. I don't know about the pearl, but can gold be resurfaced like a table? I might need that in a few more months...I took it off so it wouldn't get banged up on the side of the sink (as I am wont to do) then proceeded to wash by cup and bowl. I marched back to my office, finished up a few tasks, and set off for home. Luckily, I was admiring my new necklace in the cloudily mirrored elevator door on the ride down, dreamily musing how my shiny jewels match so beauti...HOLY F*CK, WHERE IS MY RING??!!!!???!!!!!

Back up, quick like a bunny, heart pounding...and it was still there, perched on the toaster oven, right where I left it.

WHEW.

This is just the first of many, I'm sure...

Shut UP!

They just shouldn't let starry-eyed undergrads share a seminar class with cynical and righteously cranky "life-long-learning" graduate students. There's simply too much opportunity for wanting to shake them, perhaps not to death, so much as to knock some of their earnest, world-saving, I feel that..., consumer-hating, well, my global travels in developing nations have shown me that the answer is always..., indignantly arrogant, white-guilty (every last one of 'em!) ideals loose. The kids have so much...wisdom? to share, and know so many ways that we could show the noble savages the light, truth, and the path to sustainability.

Oh BARF.

Glass-like

Why is it that airports never run so smoothly when I travel alone? Does commercial air traffic really respond to a human good-luck charm? Boy, I hope so come January. That might just pay all for all the bad luck I incur when flying solo.

Welcome

It's strange being welcomed into someone else's family. There's a disconnect, because obviously, I am still Other, while at the same time I'm also a newly anointed protodaughter. With overtures being made on all sides, the integration process continues, and there is already a stronger thread of inclusion and openness.

And just a smidge of "what the H*** am I/are we getting into?"

I think it'll take a while to get comfortable with the idea that the concept of your family can be expanded, if not quite against your will or without your consent, but still in a way that you hadn't specifically anticipated or chosen.

Morning fare

I always feel so deliciously disgusting after I eat McDonald’s food products. Delicious because my fat and salt receptors are invariably Sa-Tis-FIED; disgusting because, you know, food product, not actual food (see here). Still, I crave it whenever I'm an airport in the morning. I wish I didn't have those cravings, but at this point in my traveling career, when I'm jonesing for an Egg McMuffin (accept no substitutes!), I know it's the better part of valour to give and ensure that I'm full (read: with a leaden stomach) for the entire flight.

Consider it 50% saved

I held it in as long as I could; sat on it, really. Tried literally to keep my tongue tied and mouth shut. But I just couldn't help myself. As we hit the home stretch in the drive and the airport signs began to loom, I cocked my head, embiggened my eyes (as much as possible, which isn't all that much), and asked him, in my sweetest, silkiest voice:

Can we pleeeease not park in the hourly lot? We don't have to park in long-term, but how about the daily lot? Express? That's reasonable, hmmmmmmmm??????

And it worked.

Mwahahahahahahahaha. Next time, extra $2 saved, here we come!

Reaffirmed

Yep, still allergic to horses. Which is somewhat of an unfortunate thing to relearn at a work function.

I can pet them - if I wash my hands immediately after. And I can hang down, up, and around-wind of them for awhile, but after an hour or so of somewhat close proximity, my eyes are swelling and begin the fierce itching in protest. Then, the sneezing begins.

But my reaction is nothing compared to my poor partner. We had to leave before the party even got down to the serious eating. Luckily, I had the forethought to snag some cookies on our way out for after the hose-down...

Overexposure

Here are some words and phrases I could stand to not hear for a long, long time:

Main Street (worship thereof)

Wall Street (vilification thereof)

Joe Six Pack (glorification thereof)

Bailout (Sound of)

Rescue Plan (Replacement sound of)

Game (changing thereby)

Debate (in general)

Palin

PALIN

PALIN (I've just spent so much time devouring everything I can find about the woman, most of which, while entertaining, is not particularly reassuring.)

Consider me withered

Scenes from the doctor's:

The nurse was having difficulty attaching the leads to the patient's chest; the pads were determined not to stick. She asked, irritatedly, what kind of soap the patient used, commenting that moisturizers interfere with adhesion. The patient assured her, earnestly: "I haven't bathed since last night, so I'm sure that I'm quite dirty."

**********************

The technician clucked sympathetically, "Yes, I'm aware that the wand feels like it's being poked through your chest..."

**********************

The doctor was extemporizing, somewhat grandiosely, about the evils of certain foods/practices, and wondered, rhetorically, why people even considered eating/doing them.

The patient interjected, with an impish, slightly conspiratorial tone, "But it's delicious!"

The doctor turned upon her the full force of his withering stare, forehead wrinkling and nostrils flaring, his whole face a mask of disgust, and responded snappishly, "Well, if a stupid person wants to keep on killing herself with coffee/fast food/red meat/voting for uninformed idiots...because it's delicious...she's perfectly welcome to do so."

(eep!)

Applying wisdom

...is remembering, for the first time, to wear matching/any/non-thong underwear to my doctor's appointment.

(Not so much for the impressing for the doctor and nurse-type folk, as for making me feel slightly less nude/ridiculous/hanging out. It's all about preserving small measures of dignity!)