TMNT

Currently: itchy and sneezing and slightly bewildered

I loved the teenage mutant ninja turtles while growing up. To a fertile young mind, what could be more exciting than giant turtles following a huuuuge rat around the sewers, eating pizza, skateboarding, talking just like me (well, aspiration me who wanted to be a Chinese valley girl, but in real life only had a trashy Masshole accent), and fighting crime (eh, maybe the gummi bears, or adventurous cartoon ducks)? Oh, and ninjas! Ninjas everywhere! Totally made sense. Good, clean, fun sense. Even the live action movies were decent. Followed the general plot, cheezy lingo, etc. This new movie, however, while slickly filmed? drawn? computer animated? all of the above? was a Hot Crazy Mess! And the turtle-centric plot line was actually fine, albeit typical stuff - trouble between brothers, true fighting power through unity, blah blah blah. The rest, however, was just NOT. I'm not sure even the little kids devotedly following insanely convoluted GI Joe plot lines could follow this folderol. Let's see, ginormous, The Mummy-era South American desert army battling to conquer the world, power-mad king who waits until the stars align to open a portal to another world...which makes him immortal, while turning his brethren generals to stone (STONE! I tell you!) and defeats both armies AND releases 13 monster-hell-beasts. And then it all has to happen in reverse!! Wuh??!! The only thing that made it weirder was that the king was voiced Captain Picard himself, and April O' Neil by Buffy. No, wait, the worst thing is that I know someone who has watched it (several times voluntarily) 7 times!! Oh, the horror!!!

(AND they didn't even use the original theme song. Fie on them!)