Somewhat epic

United hates me, part X in a series of Y

When reading this, please keep in mind that I was originally scheduled to stay an extra night in my suite at the Hilton and fly out on Friday morning. When the meeting looked to run short, work made me change my ticket to "save time and money."

3:55 p.m. CDT (all times approximated), July 19, 2007 - I should probably head back to the hotel so I can make the shuttle to the airport. Wouldn't want to be late getting there! Too bad, I could've used another hour or so here at the Country Music Hall of Fame; it's much better than I expected it to be...

4:10:55 - Online check-in reveals that my flight is delayed 1.5 hours.

4:11 - Mother f$#%&*!!!!! Ugh, I guess 1.5 hours is better than 4. Guess I'll take a later shuttle.

4:45 - Take shuttle with other coworkers to airport. Ride uneventful.

5:10 - Waiting in line to check in my luggage, having already checked in online and printed my boarding pass. At the Nashville United counter, there is no separate line for those who have previously checked in.

5:20 - Still waiting. Line not moving.

5:24 - Find out that most of the people in line had been on a flight to Chicago that was cancelled, so all need to be rerouted.

5:31 - No line movement. Getting antsy.

5:35 - Walk over to the counter, catch a clerk's attention, and brandish my boarding pass, saying that I only need to check a bag for a flight that was definitely not cancelled, so obviously do not need to be standing in this ridiculous line for folks that need to be rerouted. Get a searing once-over from the rather attractive (male) attendant and a look that clearly says, honey, you are not cute enough to pull this sh*t. Concentrate (not like it’s difficult) on looking pissed off and righteous (and standing marginally shoulders back-er and chest out-er). He protests weakly but takes my boarding pass and checks me in. Attempt to smother triumphant grin.

5:41 - Go through security and notice that I’ve been flagged for super special security screening. Mentally flip check-in guy the bird.

5:50 - Check in with gate people. Confirm that flight (originally scheduled for 6:05) is delayed until 7:30.

5:55 - Join other airport-stranded coworkers at a bar.

6:55 - Head back to gate. See long line in the distance. Feel pit in stomach.

6:56 - See that flight was cancelled. Seriously??!!

6:56:35 - See that no other flights are bound to DC tonight. SH*T!!

6:58 - Call coworkers. Devise plan to fly into BWI and somehow get back to my car at Dulles. Swear a bit.

7:37 - Still waiting to be rerouted. Am last in line.

7:59 - Waiting.

8:11 - Ticket refunded. No alternative ticket guaranteed. Race to baggage claim to retrieve luggage.

8:14 - Buy new ticket on Southwest for the 8:10 flight, now delayed until 9:30. Yay, I have my SW rewards card on me! Might as well get something out of this! Check luggage.

8:22 - Security. Strangely enough, not SSSS this time, even though I purchased a one-way ticket minutes after the flight was supposed to take off. Am mildly concerned.

8:30 - Rejoin coworkers. Waiting.

8:45 - Check in at new gate. See that flight is delayed until 10:15. Hear about a large storm headed to Nashville that is due to hit around 10:00. Sinking feeling.

8:46 - “Reassured” by the SW agent that SW hardly even cancels flights. He adds, however, the flights are sometimes delayed, hour-by-hour, all night until the morning flights go out. Am not reassured.

9:14 - See on radar that the storm is breaking up over the mountains. Begin to feel marginally hopeful.

9:15 - Hash out options for getting back to my car. Get offer to stay at coworker’s house.

9:17 - Try Maryland shuttle to see when they can pick my up in the morning form my coworker’s house.

9:18 - Not until noon??!! Um, I’ll call you back.

9:20 - How about at 2 a.m. tonight? Too early? You’re supposed to be open 24 hours!!

9:20:23 - HATE YOU BACK, MARYLAND SHUTTLE!!

9:31 - Resigned to taking the metro (red line Rockville to Metro Center, orange line to Falls Church, shuttle to Dulles, Gold Lot shuttle to car) for getting back to car.

9:45 - Waiting. Getting really tired of hanging out with coworkers, whom I’ve been with all week.

10:00 - Texas-bound coworkers actually get on a plane!!! Blazing hope!!!

10:19 - Our plane arrives!!!

10:32 - Find the last aisle seat, the one opposite the bathroom. Ugh.

10:41 - Up in the air!! It actually happened!!!

11:15 - Bump. Lurch. Dip. Sway. Urgle.

1:07 a.m. EDT, July 20, 2007 - Deplane.

1:13 - Super Shuttle is still running! Joy!

1:17 - Oh, I have to get my luggage first? FINE.

1:22 - My luggage came, thank goodness!!

1:26 - Yep, $72 to Dulles, I know. Sadly enough, I’ve done this route before. The shuttle will leave soon? You close at 2? Good.

1:49 - Waiting.

1:59 - Depart BWI.

2:00 - No wait, stop to pick up one last passenger and her lap baby.

2:08 - We leave again.

2:22 - Figure out what is so strange about the woman and her baby. Have not seen a child in a vehicle out of a car seat in…ever! Perhaps since movies set in the ‘50s. Weirded out.

2:31 - Wafting of a…pungent scent from the baby.

2:32 - SMELLY!!!!!!

2:54 - Somewhere in Maryland, drop off passenger number 1.

3:17 - Somewhere else in Maryland, drop off passenger number 2.

3:41 - Drop off stinky baby and mom in Adelphi, MD. THANKS BE TO GOD.

4:25 - Approaching Dulles. Please, please, please take me directly to my car. I cannot sit around and wait for another shuttle!!!

4:30 - Hey beautiful car! I've missed you so!

4:33 - Give me a receipt, you wretched machine. Grrrr!!!!

4:51 - Wow, it's much easier to cut across six lanes in 0.4 miles when there's no traffic on the road.

4:56 - It's a good thing I always have Aerosmith in the car. It would be rather inglorious to fall asleep and crash a scant 15 minutes away from home.

5:14 - HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

5:17 - Shower.

5:20 - Towel-dry.

5:31 - Sleep.

1:59 p.m. EDT - Wake.

2:34 - Head to work.

7:15 - Back at home. Rearrange and repack travel gear.

8:01 - Begin drive to New York...