Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Current mood: raw, exposed, and a little carpal-tunnely

Some days I feel beautiful - I am adorable, my clothes and hair hang just so, my cheek dimples irresistibly, and my smile lights up the world. Other days, not so much - I'm sloppy, pocky, and skin-shiny, and my dragonlike demeanor (and breath, let's be honest) does nothing to improve the view. However, even on the best days of brimming confidence and a swaying walk (which are necessarily high-heel-days) my parentally- and societally-induced issues about looks and perceived self-worth come are always lurking just below the surface, ready to come roaring to the fore. While I know, logically, that most days I look like, well, the average of me, and the extreme highs and lows are mostly in my own head, my perception of myself can have a profound affect on my moods, mindset, and thoughts.

I don't know if it's just me, but others' perception of me strongly affect my perception of myself. And I don't mean, on the street, stranger-others ('cause seriously? Different strokes for different folks and all), but those others I already know; coworkers, friends, family, etc. An officemate's passing remark about my pretty hair can significantly improve my day's outlook. Correspondingly, the knowledge that a family member thinks rather...little of my looks, is a burden that I nurse every single day. (BTW, yes, I'm fully aware of how incredibly vain and vapid I am for dwelling on this when there are many, any! more important topics to ponder, but sometimes I can't help the direction my thoughts trend.) And yet, curiously, the closer a friend is, the less believable I find his/her positive opinion on my physical appearance (though the negative still counts for full price!). I think, somewhere in my warped brain, that close friends, the family that you get to choose, are required, through the mutual love bonds you share, to find you attractive. Probably because for me, the bonds of affection, interest, and attraction (or perception of attractiveness) are so inextricably linked.

Enter the role significant others.

They somehow manage the escape the relative discounting of the close-friends'-opinions-rule. I think that in general, I choose to be with people that find me provocative, special, and wondrously attractive (Nope, don't date much, but when I do, it's good.). Understandable and predictive of human, nature, correct? That, through the reflection mirrored in his eyes, I can catch a glimpse of the better parts of me. (And yes, well aware that these are therapy-worthy issues and blah blah blah, no one will love if you can't love yourself-cakes. No worries, I do value and esteem and even love myself, see above occasional perception as queen of the universe.) Of all the people in the world, he wants me, because I'm better, nicer, smarter, and cuter than the rest. And, because of his regard, I am sanctioned in my feeling that I am not ordinary - that I have a beauty, both within and without, that is worthy of individual worship.

I think at the core, this feeling of specialness is why all people choose their mates. (The initial choosing, anyway - the compatibility required for daily living is nonessential to this discourse.) At least, I hope they do. So, the question for today is, if I don't feel this way, why would I stay in that relationship?